This blog is still written by a Monkey. Are you still laughing about that?

Well, that's it. The legendarily sexy Derek 'Sizzlewood' Littlewood and close personal friend Rob Yescombe have done it - the final major European press event for Haze before the release in May. The continent's finest journalists were assembled in the glamorous surroundings of the Sony 3lounge in London. There, they were plied with a combination of miniature pastries and sugary drinks before being pushed face-first into the game. They got a chance to play the four-player co-op for an hour or so, before moving on to some Deathmatch action. Some particularly likable guests said it compared very favorably to COD4. Others were heard to remark how well balanced the multiplayer was. Some even had a sneaky look at key parts of the story, and soiled themselves. Despite the fact that everyone made the same lazy Nectar joke over and over and over ad infinitum ("Hey, are you on Nectar?") The Bizzle and Yescombe soldiered through and by the close of play, there was a large room filled with satisfied journos - nay, satisfied Gamers, as I hope, trust, and assume you will be when this badboy hits the shelves.

I'm still a Monkey. And it's still funny, isn't it.

Making games is fun because games themselves are fun to play. At least that's the general perception. However, as some of the new kids are discovering, it can be quite taxing when crunch time rolls around. You see, a game is like a circus - it's fun to watch, but behind the scenes, tightrope walkers are falling off and breaking their legs, horses are being whipped and beaten until they learn to prance just the way the audience likes, and big fat clowns are hiding their salty tears.

It's the kind of experience that could make a person feel reluctant to be in the office. However, much like how one might dangle a carrot in front of a donkey's face, or leave a trail of Skittles for E.T, I have taken the measure of finding ways to tempt myself into staying put. As soon as I get home in the evening, I get straight on the net and buy as much random crap as I can get my clicks on. I have it all shipped direct to the office and I try not to think about what I'm buying. That's the point, you see - by forgetting what I have ordered, I know that there will be a random present waiting for me everyday in the mail, thereby encouraging me to come into the office in order to satisfy my curiosity about what I have bought myself.

This week started off extremely macho -

Monday: A collection of classic Schwarzenegger DVDs.
Tuesday: The soundtracks to Rocky Balboa, Conan the Barbarian and 300.
Wednesday: A collection of 'Safari Meat', including cuts of Ostrich, Boar and Goat.

And has descended into something significantly less masculine -

Thursday: Animal Slippers.
Friday: A box of heart-shaped chocolates.

The cruel irony of the juxtaposition between Wednesday's and Thursday's gifts has not escaped me. Nonetheless, the beasts were all delicious and the slippers are comfy. The goat was a bit tough, but I suppose that comes with the territory. No, that's not a slipper-eating joke.

Oh, also, Haze is still being glammed up; the LucasArts project is looking even more spectacular by the hour; and TimeSplitters 4 is still a great swirling mass of brilliant ideas that no-one wants to thin out.

Goodbye.

I'm a monkey. You can't stop it.

Soooo, Haze is delayed. But you already know that, don't you. Well, the simple fact of the matter is, any delay on a game is a good thing - it's more time to optimize and polish and tweak and generally improve the whole damn thing to the Nth degree. Now, I know that some of you patient folks out there will be bitterly disappointed. Some of you may even want to come to my house and smash a colostomy bag over my head, and I think most people would understand that sentiment, but believe when I say that the delay is the best possible thing for the game. Hell, the reason why you guys are so pumped about it is because you have high expectations, and we need just a little more time to make sure that we meet them. So in conclusion, rest easy - we're still slugging away on this badboy.

In other news, this week has seen several drafts and redrafts of the TimeSplitters 4 story outline being pulled around to see what sticks. As of today we might - MIGHT - have settled on something. Time will tell.

For the record, this blog is dedicated to the guys on the forums that noticed that I hadn't written one for a while. I didn't think anyone was reading this little thing.

Are Monkeys still funny? I hope so, because I'm still going.

Today I had a wonderful lunch of delicious scraps left over from a lunch meeting in the board room. Those of us gestating in the lower tiers of this splendid company love 'Scraps Day' because we get to taste a tiny sliver of the executive high life - chicken satay instead of cheesits, roasted Mediterranean vegetables instead of Kinder Eggs - you get the idea. Of course, we only get the good catering in on a special occasion. In this instance, it was thanks to a visit from our new buddies: LucasArts. You can spot them a mile off in this place - they're the ones with clean, ironed clothes, acne-free skin and brushed teeth. They came to have a look at our progress so far on the 'top secret' project. Needless to say, they were extremely impressed and pleasantly surprised at how fast things are going.

M-to-the-O-to-the-N-to-the-K-to-the-E-to-the-Y.

Christmas is just around the corner. Apart from the obvious (buying copies of Haze for everyone I know) we're also gearing up for our Christmas party. Originally I suggested that we hold it in a casino, until someone pointed out that there are probably several gambling addicts in our number. So, we're all going to a bar to get tanked up instead.

The venue is extra-large this year, owing to the fact that we've now surpassed two hundred staff members. Jeez, we're a monster. The bar bill last year was pretty impressive. God knows what it's going to be like this year - especially because Sizzlewood and co. will be indulging in some 'extreme relaxatin' to celebrate the end of Haze. I wonder who'll get naked and puke this time?

This Monkey's blog is written in front of a studio audience.

While I'm relaxing in a corner, reading Edge and eating Wispa bars, everyone else is sweating profusely. The Haze submissions are coming up, y'see, so everyone is at battle stations trying to spit on everything before polishing it vigorously.

Meanwhile, some of the Haze marketing material arrived at the office today. Posters, cut-out figures, little sticky-on-the-wall things. They're all cool, and knowing the light-fingered mothers in this joint, you can expect to see most of it on eBay in a few weeks. But I guess that's viral marketing of sorts, isn't it?

Monkey writes blog = comedy.

I've been on holiday - somewhere sunny, with cheap women. You might be wondering why I'm telling you this. Well, there are two reasons - one: I am a compulsive exhibitionist. Two: when I left, the game was looking good, but now it's looking GREAT. When I got back into the office, I played the entire game from start to finish and finally got my hands on some of the multiplayer levels that everyone else has been singing the praises of. Since there was no-one around who wanted to play with me, I opted for an Old School Deathmatch - me versus fifteen bots. I got my arse kicked inside-out, but that's not important.

I can't give away too much, but one of the multiplayer maps is set during the night, and looks freaking awesome, all misty and moonlit. It was actually quite romantic. Maybe I'll bring some local chick back to the office and walk her around the level and sing to her. If THAT doesn't get me laid, nothing will.

I'm certainly simian.

We've been having a bit of fun with the launch of TimeSplitters 4 on our website. You have to have seen it to get this far - it's our new intro. It's been so popular, in fact, that all you people clicking here to check it out managed to knock out our servers like Pee Wee Herman in a boxing match. In fact if things don't calm down our IT department tells me we'll need some more bandwidth, oooh. So there it is. It's official: we've got a dedicated team of designers, coders and artists who are beavering away on concepts and designs for the next 'splitters installment. And, if you'd like to join them, click your way over to our recruitment page and get on board.

Believe.

I am SO a monkey. Believe that.

Did you know we have a level that takes place during a huge tropical storm? I know, I know - it's awesome. The water effects on the ground are crazy-good. I never thought one person (monkey) could be so obsessed with the texture on a floor, but God, it's just so compelling. Of course, the rest of the level looks sweet as a nut, with rain-battered shanty houses and palm trees being shredded by the wind. I actually feel wet playing it. Wait, that came out wrong.

You get to dry off over the next few levels as you climb up a mountain to try and reach an Observatory on the peak. Along the way, there's an awesome fight in a cable car when you're crossing a gorge. And who hasn't always wanted to shoot the crap out of a cable car, eh?

No one, that's who.

Yeah, I'm a monkey. Stop asking.

Soooo, multiplayer, eh? It's the life blood in just about any FPS, so you've got to get it right. Hence why we've got a room with no windows, filled with playtesters - each of them looking more and more like they're anemic as the sleep deprivation takes hold. Peering over their shoulders, I've had a good look at the levels they're testing. My personal favorite has got to be the assault mission on the deck of the Land Carrier where the rebel team is trying to shut down the mantel defense grid. Ohmygod, I've totally given away the fact that we're doing a map on the deck of the carrier! How embarrassing! I suppose I could just delete it. Ohmygod! I haven't deleted it!

Anyhoo, I'm off to explain to the Free Radical bosses why I'm chatting away about our multiplayer levels in a tiny little blog that no one reads, instead of on some big-ass games website. The answer is, because I'm lazy. Goodbye.

I am a monkey. Give me a lie detector test if you want, you'll see.

So, you all know about the jungle, and now the Copper plant and Abandoned Resort too. But do we have any big surprises left? God, yes. I've been strolling around the final level of the game: a massive - and I mean MASSIVE - all-terrain aircraft carrier that can trundle over the land, ripping a hole right through the jungle. To walk from one end of the deck to the other in a straight line is going to take you a full ten minutes, even if you're running. But you don't just fight on the deck - you've got to get right down into the bowels of the thing, and all the way back up to the bridge.

You can even look over the front of it, and watch the trees getting chewed up in the enormous caterpillar tracks as it drives over them. And man, the noise of the thing when you're chasing it in a Jeep and... Oh, I've said too much. Back in the cage for me.

I am a monkey. This is not a joke.

Wow. And I mean WOW. Once again, I've been in The Room playing the latest updated build. I've been playing the Road Bridge level. Now, you know when there's some big bomb in a game, but when it goes off it fades to white, or has some cheesy cutscene - not so with Haze. I don't want to give too much away, but you need to blow up the bridge to make your escape. When it goes off, you look back and watch the ENTIRE level you were just playing through blow up into a thousand pieces and tumble down into the river below.

What's more, Haze is crammed full of destructability. From the cover that people use, like Mantel's riot barriers, or the rebels' hand-made corrugated iron coverpoints, right down into the individual pieces that you can smash or shoot off each and every vehicle until it's just a smoldering wreck. Walking around in Haze, you really can leave your mark on the place. There really don't seem to be any objects that you can't smack around or completely trash. Of course, I'm sure you'll be more polite than to walk into someone's game and break everything, but the opportunity is there at least.

In other company related news... We had a visit form the Tax-man which caused much excitement. He decided that the free deep-dish meat feast pizza's and Chinese Take-aways that Free Radical buys for it's hard working staff toiling away in to the night is OK with them, but free fruit (and especially the bananas!) is a luxury and must be taxed. So FRD will now be paying extra money to the government for daring to provide fresh fruit to it's employees. Nice. You'd think they'd realise the importance of bananas at least.

Hello. It's that monkey again. I swear, I totally am one.

Anyhoo, this week I have had the good fortune to spend some quality time alone in a room with the latest Haze build. Now, of course, I'm 100% biased, and even if there was anything wrong with it, I would lie to you about how good it was until I was blue in the face. However, thanks to the wealth of talent on the Free Radical team, I don't have to do that. In fact, I can wax lyrical about a whole bunch of amazing effects and whatnot.

Now, I'll come clean with you, I'm not a very technical monkey (I really am a monkey. I swear it). So, I can't explain WHY things look great. However, I am, like you folks, a consumer. Personally, I think that makes me uniquely qualified to pass judgment on our games.

Here's the bottom line: I genuinely think Haze has some of the best-looking smoke and explosion effects I've ever seen in a game. In the opening mission, you've got a bunch of Mantel drop ships giving you air support, and watching them pummel The Promise Hand with rockets is quite a sight to behold - sending thick plumes of dark grey smoke and dirt up into the air. What's more, later in the same level, one of your peers - Sergeant Duvall - calls in an air strike about a half-mile in front of you. Watching the fallout dust billowing through the tree line ahead of you sends shivers down my spine.

Believe me, standing downwind from one of those babies, with full surround sound is enough to make you soil yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Leipzig was a smash, and PAX was chucklicious. It's always great to get out there and actually meet the people we want to entertain. After all this waiting and biding of our time, it was amazing to actually watch people playing the game who hadn't ever tried it before.

I think it's safe to say that people loved it. We spent ages making sure that the control system was perfect so anyone picking up the controller would intuitively know how it worked on a basic level. With that working well, we just needed to educate folks about all the many unique abilities that mantel and The Promise Hand have.

Of course, since we were showing four-player co-op (cool, eh?) the people playing didn't get to see how the skills work in the versus multiplayer modes, but I think they got the idea.

Hello! I'm a Monkey! Honestly, I really, really am. I've got fleas and everything.

I'm here to introduce the latest feature on the Free Radical website: 'The Furry Radicals'. Each week, I or one of my monkey friends will be writing a little bit about their experiences at Free Radical.

Now, even though this page is buried deep within a company website, and therefore the likelihood of you not knowing who we are already is pretty slim, I'm going to spell it all out for you again.

We are Free Radical Design. We make games. Back in the day, our founding fathers worked at Rare, and were the key members of the team responsible for GoldenEye and Perfect Dark - two of the greatest first person shooters of all time, and I'm not just saying that in a weak effort to get a raise. After the success of those games, they founded their own company (this one) and went on to create the TimeSplitters series, along with cult classic Second Sight.

Right now, they're hard at work on three top-of-the-line games: Haze for UbiSoft, a secret project for LucasArts, and of course TimeSplitters 4.

So, make sure you check back here every week to read the latest monkey-written blog. Unless they have something better to do, of course.

You want Haze? I'll give you Haze (provided that you click here.)